Team previews in 32 puns, part two

This is part two of my punny season previews, using at least one player’s name from each team in a prediction of how I see them doing this year. Read part one here.


Miami Dolphins: Last season was marred by the bullying scandal, proving that the Devlin the details can derail a team in a hurry. This season, if they’re going to Wake up, Miami’s coaching staff will have to take a Hartline on their players. Expect this season for Miami to be h-Ellerbe heaven. There’s no middle ground. I think they have a rough season despite some smart free agency pickups.

Minnesota Vikings: After picking up Bridgewater and hoping AP gets back to full strength, Vikings fans are seeing Cassels in the sky and bouncing off the Walsh in anticipation. But they’re in for a Rudolph-all if they expect anything higher than an 8-8 record. And sadly, I didn’t even have to Ponder on that too long. At least they’re taking the right Rhodes back to contention.

New England Patriots: I don’t have my prediction for them Ridley available, but their deeply religious ties should keep them afloat. I mean, who can Braydy god so much and get a resounding Amen? Dola lot of pun-ishment out (not a player name but I couldn’t resist,) rely on your QB’s Cannon-like arm and have your defence hit harder than a Mallett, and you’ll be in a good position too. Patriots take the AFC East again, and it Mayo may not be impossible to envision anyone pushing the Patriots off their lofty Hightower.

New Orleans Saints: They should take the NFC South in a Brees.

Okay. Now that the obvious pun is out of the way, they’ll be Lofton balls to their wide receiver corps all day. Ever since the bounty incident, there hasn’t been much Strief in the organization and it’s shown. Last season saw them Bailey squeak into the playoffs as an 11-5 team, and they’ll be looking to pay ba-Cadet to the Seahawks, who shut down New Orleans in the divisional playoffs. This is not a team with too many Cooks in the kitchen; they’ll be back in.

New York Giants: The Giants have been Beatty-ng themselves for the past few seasons, and don’t expect that to change. Even with a veteran crew Manning the battle-stations, I just don’t Snee it. They’ll Rolle over and leave you wanting Moore, again. It’s hard to get a Randle on these guys sometimes; it just perpetually looks like they’d rather be on Hollidays.

New York Jets: The Jets are getting better, no doubt about it, even though they’re not quite cleared for takeoff yet. Pryor to last season I had a Coples of doubts, but now I think they’re Quigley becoming the heir apparent to the Pats in the division. If they can stick to their training regime, stay away from the Kerley fries, and the media can leave Vick Colon, New York will hit Gold, man. Gold. Not this season but in the near future.

Oakland Raiders: Poor Raiders fans are Jones-ing for a winning team, but it’s just not coming any time soon. And if the Penn is mightier than the sword, they’re double-screwed, because their roster looks weak on paper too. It’s a tough division, which doesn’t help. They won’t be able to enc-Roach on any of the other three teams. Bottom-dwellers once Moore. (Also, how coincidentally funny is it that the team that got burned by the Tuck Rule employs a guy named Tuck?!)

Philadelphia Eagles: The Mathis sound: the Eagles are my Celek-tion to win the NFC East, and it’s pretty much theirs to lose. It Ertz to say because I’ve always viewed the Eagles as the big bad Wolff who couldn’t back up their trash talk. Butafter last year, I believe they’re a legitimate contender — the real McCoy.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Full disclosure: I Foster a healthy dislike for the Steelers for reasons I don’t fully understand. So let me be Blount: they’re missing the playoffs for the third straight year. In a nutshell, let’s get Tuitt: they’re Worilds away from their ’08 Super Bowl, their team is not Taylor-ed to today’s NFL and they’ll go out with a Whimper, not a bang. (Also: you know nothing, David Snow.)

San Diego Chargers: The Chargers are Allen again this year, but in-Clemens conditions divisionally will make it hard to sneak back in. I’m not saying it was a Fluker anything, just that competition has gotten to be a Royal pain in the ass while they’ve been Stuckey-n the same place. Looks like  they’ll be watching outside the gilded Gates.

San Francisco 49ers: Another Boldin-tuition pick here: the 49ers do not make the playoffs this year. Their running back’s age is not a Boone to the team. Reid between the lines and you’ll see a team that didn’t get marked-Lee better while the rest of the division’s been stocking up. Stevie Johnson Willis-ceed expectations, but otherwise, they haven’t done enough. The NFC West is good, but the Niners making the post-season this year is Smith. A possibility, but a myth nonetheless.

Seattle Seahawks: I’m Harvin too much fun with this. Anyway, the whole league fell Unger Pete Carroll’s spell last year, and the dis-Turbin thing is that they somehow rode the image of scrappy underdog and powerhouse favourite simultaneously. So they’re obviously going to win again this year, right? Okung-traire, mon ami. They’ll get far and put up a good fight again. But Super Bowl repeat? I’m a doubting Thomas. And yes, I’m Sher, man.

St. Louis Rams: If the NFC West is the top cut of meat in the NFL, the Rams are a piece of top Zuerlein that you’re not sure is good until you Cook it up and have a taste. It’s not a Givens that they make the post-season — we could even be considered a Long, Longshot — but things change Quick-ly in the NFL. So Sta, cy where this team is going, and enjoy what’s likely to be a Quinn-vigorating season.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: The name Greg Schiano is enough to make any Bucs fan scream f-Omameh. But the Rainey days are over and the Goldson is shining through the clouds. If the front office Foster-s a good attitude, they can make Bank-s next season and David-nitely em-Barth on the ship back to respectability and a lack of MRSA.

Tennessee Titans: Tennessee’s quiet and unassuming fanbase is all a clever Roos to slide under the radar. It works for NFL fans, but not players. Despite a lack of Warmack-colades for their quarterback and offensive depth, the Titans break through this year and come close to making it. In Casey you can’t tell, this isn’t an endorsement of the team — that wouldn’t be a Sensabaugh-le move at all — but a comment on how much of a cake-Walker schedule is going to be. The hunted will become the Hunter, and for Tennessee, the timing is Wright to take a step forward.

Washington Redskins: If last season was a rock for Washington, it gathered a hell of a lot of Moss because it wasn’t going anywhere. Compared to the stormy season last year, Redskins fans are in for Merriweather going forward. They’re far from Malone in facing heightened expectations, but there’s no reason to be depressed for this season. It’s not like you just finished Reed-ing Hatcher in the Rye or anything.

Morals of this exercise: you can only re-use certain names so many ways, the Rams are an inherently punnable bunch, literary references are an easy way out of any mental block, and you should follow me on Twitter @BatteringRams to stay updated on new posts.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s